One of the most surprising aspects of midlife is the challenge of parenting. Most of us expected parenting to be over, having successfully launched adults into the world. Yet, somehow, we are still in the thick of it, helping them navigate early adulthood. Just this past week, I had a heart-to-heart with a midlife client about the demands of parenting this generation of young adults. These demands range from helping mid-twenties adults through dramatic and sudden career choices to providing emotional support during relationship disappointments.
Perhaps our parents made it look easy, shaping our expectations of parenting young adults. Many midlife parents tell me that they left home after school or university and became independent of their parents in every aspect. Yet, few of our mid-twenties offspring have reached these milestones. This puts pressure on midlife parents – often unexpected and therefore unplanned.
From a financial perspective, extended support for children can derail retirement planning. Historically, midlife was a time when most people sped up retirement savings. We often see the opposite, as parents help their children launch financially. This help may involve funding continued studies, assisting with entry into the property market, medical expenses, or just having them at home for much longer.
While most parents want to assist, some think they have failed by not raising fully independent young adults. However, this generation is navigating an environment significantly different from our youth. It’s complex because it touches on the values that culture and generations place on family and independence. There are many places and cultures where it is normal for young adults to remain at home and for families to support each other throughout their lives. In addition, there is a global cost-of-living problem affecting young people.
Let me be clear: I love my kids. I love their company and that they feel comfortable asking for my support and input at this point. Most parents of my generation have worked hard to have good relationships with their kids.
What we find difficult is the fine line between keeping them dependent, which may prevent them from flying the nest, and providing the right amount of support. We must also keep ourselves nurtured and energised.
Most young adults feel guilty for needing or wanting help. They would also have preferred to be fully independent of their parents by now.
When do we need to help ourselves first to continue to help them? When should we take care of our interests to ensure we don’t become a burden on them in the future?
I don’t have all the answers to this complex problem. It helps to have sounding boards for these dilemmas - friends, coaches, or therapists - to sift through the colliding demands and emotions.
We are often a sounding board for our clients. Financial planning helps clients make more informed decisions about the future impact of their current financial contributions to their adult children.
Sometimes, it just helps to know that you are not alone, you are not a failure, and we can help each other through these challenges.
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Kind regards,
Sunél
//4 October 2024