Earlier this week, we watched our eldest walk away towards the boarding gate for her flight to Europe, where she will continue her studies. Although it’s not the first time we’ve waved her off for time away from home, this time feels different. This time, she may never return home – at least, not to stay.
In the weeks leading up to her departure, I’ve been reflecting on parenting. You’re meant to nurture, form a strong emotional bond, and then - eventually - let them go. In the process, you invest everything in them: time, money, and endless energy. You pour yourself out and make great sacrifices. And then, they’re off.
The whole point, of course, is to raise well-adjusted adults by the time they leave to study or work. They will still make mistakes - but those mistakes are theirs to make. It’s their life to live—their chance to learn how to bounce back from hardship and move on from disappointment.
This applies to financial independence and struggles as well. I’m often asked how to teach kids to be financially responsible. I am always loathe to offer a definitive answer - because, truthfully, I still have a long way to go until all my kids are financially independent.
I believe this is one of the more complicated tasks of parenting: raising children who have a drive for success and financial independence while you, as a parent, have the resources to make their lives easier. Knowing when to help and when to let them struggle, when to nurture, and when to nudge them to persevere is an ever-present challenge for parents.
I often see successful parents struggle to create the conditions that inspire that same desire in their children. For the child, it can be hard to watch parents who have already ‘made it’, without feeling intimidated. For the parent, it isn’t easy not to prescribe what success should look like – and how it should be achieved.
In the end, I believe the one thing our kids need most when they step into the world is the certainty that we believe in them. They must know that we think they can achieve what they set out to do. Not in a wildly naïve way, but in a way that says: “You have everything within you.”
My last words to my daughter – spoken past the lump in my throat - were these: “I know that you can make a success of your life. Whatever that is, whatever you choose. I am not anxious for you. I believe in you.”
We can do many things right as parents, but if we don’t manage to set them up to believe in their abilities, we will have fallen short. Sometimes, I think parents hold onto this I-know-better position to hold onto their kids – it’s a way of avoiding the pain of letting go.
So, as we waved her off, I blinked away the tears and turned around, already feeling the absence of her presence. I had to remind myself that this very loss is the whole point of parenting. To let them go!
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Kind regards,
Sunél