Money is often at the heart of conflicts in relationships. Not just because there might not be enough of it, but mainly due to how couples communicate (or don’t) about financial matters.
Some say that’s simply because people have different “money personalities” as spenders, savers, risk-takers, security-seekers, planners or avoiders.
But the truth runs deeper. The strain of financial pressures, along with emotional baggage and differing beliefs about money, can create significant tension between partners. Because money is often tied to our values, past experiences, and sense of security, even simple conversations can become emotionally charged.
Financial matters aren't just about numbers; they're about deeper emotional issues like fear, insecurity, greed, trust, and identity.
Why we fight about money
At its core, financial conflict is rarely just about money.
Here are three key emotional dynamics that often drive financial conflict:
The way we bond with others
How couples approach financial discussions is often shaped by their emotional attachment styles.
Some individuals, often women who tend to prioritise harmony, may limit these conversations to avoid conflict.
In contrast, some men influenced by traditional provider roles, might take it personally when their financial choices are questioned.
Generally, we all fall into one of four attachment styles as illustrated below:
Source: Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L.M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61 (2), 226–244.
Securely attached partners are comfortable with collaboration, making joint financial planning smoother.
Preoccupied attached partners may seek frequent reassurance and become overly dependent in financial conversations.
Dismissive (avoidant) attachment individuals tend to value independence and may avoid money discussions altogether.
Anxious (fearful) attachment partners often feel stressed by financial uncertainty, interpreting budgets or boundaries as rejection.
Understanding each other's emotional tendencies allows couples to approach financial conversations with greater empathy and less frustration.
(If you're curious to explore your own attachment style, you can take an online test here.)
Expectations vs identity
Gender expectations can also influence how couples manage their finances.
In a May 2025 article, Forbes magazine published research results which show that when women earn more than their husbands, it can sometimes lead to additional challenges in their marriage.
In a survey of 2,400 participants and 500 couples in heterosexual marriages, researchers found that as women earned a larger share of the household income, relationship satisfaction declined (the full study is available in the link here).
Social expectations still reinforce outdated ideas that men should be the primary financial providers, expectations that don’t reflect today’s financial realities.
The role of provider often shifts over time as careers and life stages evolve. Women’s careers may gain momentum once children are older, which can lead to a rebalancing of financial roles in the household.
In modern financial planning, it is the role of the partner who can provide, to provide. Success is not rooted in tradition, but in teamwork.
The politics of choice
Financial decision-making often reveals underlying power dynamics in a relationship.
When one partner consistently controls the finances or makes big decisions alone, it can lead to financial red flags. These patterns are worth noticing because they can affect long-term relationship health.
It’s not just about who manages the budget. It’s also about who has more influence in the relationship. The partner who is more dominant often shapes how the couple handles money, based on their financial style—whether they are cautious, spontaneous, or risk-taking.
Historically, women have been excluded from financial decision-making, whether due to lack of access, education, or what they feel society expects of them.
However, the opposite can also be true, as research published in 2023 in the multidisciplinary science journal, Heliyon, shows that a woman’s educational background and gender equality significantly influence her ability to contribute meaningfully to financial decisions.
Empowering both partners to be involved in financial planning leads to stronger, more balanced relationships.
Let’s talk money
Dr Illene Strauss Cohen, summed it up well in the September 2024 edition of Psychology Today:
“Trust, honesty, respect, open communication, effort, and collaboration are the foundation of healthy relationships”.
Effective communication is undoubtedly critical in resolving money-related tension.
Talking about money is not just about numbers and spreadsheets. It’s about sharing fears, dreams, and past experiences. Couples who communicate openly about finances tend to build more trust, reduce conflict, and work toward shared goals.
Money disagreements are not necessarily a sign of relationship failure. It’s much more productive to treat it as a solvable problem that most couples will need to work through at some point.
At the same time, communication must speak to deeper emotional readiness. A partner may be intellectually prepared to make financial decisions but still feel emotionally overwhelmed.
For example, one or the other might say, "I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I want to make my own decision."
That’s not resistance, it’s a request for space, support, and reassurance.
Money with meaning
Financial planning is one of the most important (yet often overlooked) foundations of a successful relationship.
When couples create a financial plan together, they’re not just organising money.
A strong financial plan helps couples set priorities: saving for a home, managing debt, planning for children’s education, or preparing for retirement. It ensures both partners are on the same page, working toward common goals rather than pulling in different directions.
A skilled financial planner can help shift couples away from outdated hierarchies and toward co-ownership. Rather than treating one partner as the primary client, advisors should always encourage joint planning sessions that promote mutual involvement and collaboration.
Still, financial independence matters too. Even in committed partnerships, it’s healthy for both individuals to have some autonomy. This includes having access to personal funds, investments and assets in their own name.
It’s also perfectly healthy for one partner (often the one with a natural aptitude or interest in budgeting and detail) to take the lead on day-to-day financial management. This role doesn’t always belong to the main income earner.
The goal isn’t to eliminate financial disagreements altogether - that’s unrealistic. It’s to create space for open, respectful conversation that strengthens your relationship. Research consistently shows that there is a link between how couples handle money and the overall quality of their relationship.
Money relationships that grow
Money affects every area of our lives, so it naturally impacts our relationships too. But financial conflict doesn't have to be destructive.
With open communication, equal participation, and a willingness to confront both emotional and societal influences, couples can turn money from a source of division into a foothold for deeper connection.
Yet many couples wrongly assume that others find financial conversations easy, when in reality, most long-term partners struggle to talk about money. Money decisions can evoke feelings of vulnerability, which is why it’s so important to get help early on. .
At Foundation, we strongly support this by creating financial planning strategies in inclusive spaces where both voices are heard equally, recognising each partner’s strengths, and building towards a joint financial plan.
Our mantra, “Wealth for life,” means using financial strategies to help clients live the life they envision, meet their goals, and grow their wealth with purpose.
Money is not a one-time talk; it’s an ongoing discussion. As life changes, so do your financial needs and priorities. That’s why our ongoing review process helps couples stay aligned and prevent small issues from becoming big problems.
Ultimately, financial planning isn’t just about money. It’s about partnership, with each other, and with financial partners who understand your journey and help you move forward, together.
<Foundation Family Wealth is an Authorised Financial Services provider>