One of my young colleagues recently lamented the cost of attending weddings these days. She explained that a single wedding can include flights and weekend accommodation at a pricey destination, on top of the wedding gift.
For members of the bridal party, it can mean even more: gifts leading up to the big day, an outfit and accessories, hair and makeup, and additional attire for photo shoots. As well as a gift for the hen or bachelor’s party. Multiply these costs across a few weddings a year, and the total becomes significant.
This phenomenon isn’t limited to weddings. The same is true for matric dances and funerals in South Africa. The cost of these events is often out of proportion to the income or wealth of those attending or even hosting it.
It begs the question: why do we do this? It’s easy to assume that this type of spending is about ego, about impressing others. But I think it’s deeper than that. We spend to signal that we understand the unspoken rituals of our society. We spend to feel that we belong.
On the special day, we want to believe we live in a fairy tale. When it comes to our children, we will sacrifice even more to help them feel that they fit in.
Spending to belong is not new. But social media has amplified it. The images we curate are designed to be seen and judged by many.
The irony is that the feeling we seek is fleeting, while the cost may be lasting. Spending on weddings and funerals is often far beyond what many can truly afford. People borrow at excessive rates, or from friends and family, at the cost of their dignity.
Yet that fleeting feeling does not equate to belonging, because belonging cannot be bought.
Brené Brown, a leading voice on belonging, says true belonging begins when we permit ourselves to belong. The threshold is always within us. That doesn’t mean we’ll be accepted into every group we wish to join, but it does mean we’re less likely to buy our way into places where we don’t truly fit.
It’s worth checking in with our deepest desires to understand the drivers of our financial choices. When belonging comes at the cost of your financial security, it can never be real. The price of belonging cannot be our financial security.
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Kind regards,
Sunél