In the film Materialists, a high-end, successful matchmaker pairs her clients by ticking the boxes for height, body shape, political affiliation, and earnings. In her own life, she meets such a man. A unicorn of catches who embodies everything a woman may be looking for in marriage. But she doesn’t marry him. She marries the opposite end of the financial scale, a broke actor.
Of course, it wouldn’t be much of a romance if he weren’t devastatingly handsome and intent on changing his fortunes.
Materialists argue that, throughout history, marriage has largely been a financial transaction. In many cultures, marriages were, and still are, arranged for the mutual benefit of families. These practices are rooted in the survival of the tribe and the gene pool.
Research suggests that assessments of suitability are sensed within seconds of meeting a potential suitor. Apparently, women are particularly attuned to a partner's earning potential because, historically, marriage meant survival.
In the week of Valentine’s Day, it seems appropriate to ask how important money is to the modern couple at a time when people seemingly marry for love.
A recent conversation brought another aspect of money and love into focus. One was frugal and disciplined, the other free and generous.
Couples will invariably discover their vastly different ways of dealing with money. Not surprisingly, money remains a primary source of relationship conflict.
I suspected there was more to the story. Both cared deeply for their family; one showed it by ensuring they didn’t overspend, while the other showed it by spending on the children. Such differences often lead one partner to attempt to control the other. In this case, the more frugal partner took control of the budget and bank account and still does after three decades.
Control is one form of power, but power can also hide in persuasion. Booking an expensive holiday as a family treat while debt piles up, and convincing a partner that it’s deserved, is also an exercise of power.
Power usually signals fear.
For one partner, the fear of not having enough may surface. For another, the fear of denied freedom is amplified. For some, the fear of losing the relationship overshadows everything, resulting in compliance with their partner’s wishes.
Money becomes one of the arenas where these anxieties reveal themselves and where they begin to run the show.
Sadly, many couples never dive beneath the surface of their divergent money behaviours. They never explore the fears underneath. Without that awareness, recurring conflict is unlikely to be resolved.
Even once acknowledged, it’s not easy to make peace with each other’s money patterns. Unlike leaving the toothpaste open, money behaviours carry long-term, life-altering consequences. It’s not just about changing habits, though healthy money habits do help.
Partners must choose to be vulnerable about their fears. It’s about holding those fears up to the light and denying them the right to rule. Healing from the wounds that shaped those fears takes time, patience and empathy for one another’s journey.
For love to survive, we must recognise that money is only the playing field. For love to survive, both must choose to change and show up with empathy for the other’s journey.
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Kind regards,
Sunél