Over the holidays, when I asked the children to help with tasks around the house, my daughter remarked that I sounded angry. She continued that it sounded like I don’t feel they’re on my team. I immediately acted in self-defence, but later reflected on the incident.
I realised that there was a story playing in my head and that I was frustrated. I considered how it affected the way I ask for help; my tone, facial expression, and stance were all part of my message to them. All displays of my subconscious frustration.
I considered the source of that story. In part, it was rooted in their earlier unwillingness, as teenagers, to help me, but for the most part, it was rooted in my beliefs about help. It affected all my relationships.
Somehow, I wanted people to magically anticipate my needs and meet them before I ask.
I find it difficult to ask for what I want done because I often don’t believe that my needs matter. In fact, most of the time, I find it difficult to name my own needs. By the time I ask, I am already frustrated.
Later, I had a good conversation with my daughter about my reflections. It opened a door to deeper mutual understanding.
It’s not the first time I’ve been confronted with how beliefs impact my world. Self-discovery never ends; it’s like peeling back endless layers of an onion.
The incident reminded me of the stories about money. As the daughter of a Karoo farmer, I know scarcity and uncertainty intimately, the ever-impending calamity of crippling drought, plunging meat prices, or locust plagues. Those events created storylines for me about money. Money is scarce. Financial disaster is imminent. A permanent state of worry is normal.
Those stories had a profound impact on the way I manage my affairs, even run my business, to avoid risk and seize opportunities. Of course, stories can have positive outcomes too. Those same stories have helped me identify potential calamity for clients.
I realised the impact of money stories a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve been able to change my behaviour where needed. There is still a gap between acknowledging the script and showing up. It’s a matter of repeatedly recognising, evaluating, and consciously changing course. It’s frustrating to know what you should be doing, yet watch yourself going along with the subconscious script.
Unexamined stories can cost you dearly in your relationships, your decisions, and your peace of mind. When you do pay attention and acknowledge them, you are better off.
What stories are you telling yourself, and what are they costing you?
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Kind regards,
Sunél
