In 2009, Bonnie Ware wrote an online article titled "Regrets of the Dying" about her experience working with dying people. She penned what she learned from people who understood that time was limited and summarised the five top regrets of these patients.
The article went viral, and she was inundated with requests to expand her work. Her subsequent book became a global bestseller and has been translated into more than thirty languages.
Her story is a reminder that we don’t talk about death nearly enough in modern Western culture. We avoid thinking about the inevitable. We put it off because we always think that it’s something we’ll deal with way into the future.
But there’s another kind of regret we talk about even less. This is the regret of the living, those left to continue with life after the death of a loved one.
Over the past few years, I’ve been meeting more people in this category through my work and friendship circle than I would have liked to. Sitting with the living in mourning is hard, but witnessing overwhelming regret is even more difficult.
We’re not talking about people who had not loved or were in unhappy relationships. I see people who had deeply loved but whose priorities did not reflect their feelings. They regret not having scaled back their work to give themselves enough time, and for putting their shared dreams off into a future that is no longer possible.
There may be many reasons people end up with this type of regret. Life has many demands on everyone. Yet where we don’t make space to contemplate our daily choices or question our ongoing priorities, regret will find a foothold when the worst happens.
Clients tell me year after year that they will make space for these plans when they feel more financially secure, or when the kids are financially independent. These may be rational reasons, and we can calculate the likelihood of financial security, but they often hide underlying fears.
Fears like not having enough. Losing one’s identity without work. Being seen as lazy for slowing down. If unexamined, these fears will continue to drive their diaries and work schedules to the detriment of their relationships.
Even as I write this, I am challenged to consider the regrets I may have on the death of one of my loved ones, whether they be family or friends.
I challenge you to consider the same. If you were the one left living, would your priorities hold up?
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Kind regards,
Sunél
