Inheritance is never just a transaction; it is a transfer of meaning. Whether it comes as “hot money” gifted while parents are alive or as “cold money” received after they are gone, it carries the weight of love, sacrifice, duty, and sometimes guilt, resentment, or unspoken expectations.
In a 2024 article, I explored how shifting family dynamics and rising inequality are reshaping the meaning of inheritance. This piece builds on that conversation, reflecting on how these trends have continued to evolve.
From Meritocracy to Inheritocracy
Eliza Filby, in her book Inheritocracy, describes how we now live in an age in which opportunity is shaped less by what you earn or learn and more by what you inherit. For younger generations, she argues, the Bank of Mum and Dad have quietly become one of the most significant drivers of social mobility. It’s a shift from meritocracy to something far more uncomfortable: a world where advantage is passed down as much as it is earned.
We inherit more than money
When we talk about inheritance, our minds often jump straight to money, property and investments, but it’s far broader than that. Inheritance can include “soft” inheritances, which are easy to overlook yet no less powerful, for example:
- A private school education
- Access to influential networks
- The quiet assumption that there is a safety net if things go wrong
These shape life chances just as much as a bank transfer might, often in ways that compound over decades.
Being raised in an environment where financial stability is assumed can change the risks you take, the careers you consider, and even the relationships you choose.
The Great Wealth Transfer
The numbers behind this shift are staggering. Globally, trillions of dollars in property and financial assets are expected to pass from baby boomers to the next generation over the coming two decades, a phenomenon dubbed the Great Wealth Transfer.
In South Africa, the scale is different, but the pattern is similar, particularly in wealthier households. Yet even here, the flow of money is not always straightforward.
Some researchers suggest that before wealth reaches adult children, it may first pass to surviving spouses. Given that women statistically live longer than men, this often means that “granny” is the steward of family wealth for years before the next generation sees it.
The role of grandmothers, and the nuances of giving
In my experience, grandmothers can sometimes be more inclined to give during their lifetimes than grandfathers. Perhaps it’s because they place a higher emotional value on seeing their support in action, or because they are more attuned to the immediate needs of younger family members. Whether that’s universally true is debatable, but its consequences can be significant.
Lifetime gifts can accelerate opportunity for younger generations, but they can also alter family dynamics, trigger sibling tensions, or create reliance if not handled thoughtfully.
The intersection of women and money is a rich topic in itself, but it’s worth noting here as part of the complex landscape in which this Great Wealth Transfer is unfolding.
Inheritance and grief
Inheritance rarely arrives in a vacuum. Losing a parent is a profound emotional blow, and inheriting amid grief can be disorienting, even paralysing. For those who lose parents young, the trauma can be even more profound.
The money, in those moments, is inseparable from the loss. A reminder of what has gone, not just what has been given.
Some heirs struggle to make decisions for years, not because they are careless or ungrateful, but because every transaction feels like another step away from the person they’ve lost.
The South African context
South Africa is a country of deep divides, where the majority struggle to make ends meet and the concept of inheriting wealth is far from their reality. Talking about inheritance in this context can feel insensitive.
Yet, for the clients I work with, the challenges are different. The privilege of having wealth to transfer comes with its own complexities, and these are worth confronting openly while acknowledging the broader context in which these conversations take place.
A generational misconception: “Just Work Harder”
Dr Filby highlights a growing disconnect between generations. Many older parents believe their children need to “work harder” to succeed, as they once did.
But today’s economy is far less forgiving:
- Rising costs of living
- Stagnant wages
- Unaffordable housing
- A more competitive, unequal landscape
Effort alone no longer guarantees progress. The pathways that once lifted older generations are no longer available.
In this context, some measure of support, if parents can afford it, becomes less about spoiling children and more about recognising the structural shifts reshaping opportunity.
What is a parent’s obligation today?
This brings us to the uncomfortable question: What does a parent owe their adult children in this new world?
As a financial planner, I have always maintained that the best gift parents can give is their own financial independence. But if that is intact, and if inherited support now plays such a significant role in social mobility, should parents who can afford to help do so?
Is withholding support a matter of principle or a quiet form of neglect?
What about children who insist they don’t want help, yet live with the silent anxiety of wondering if they’ll ever “make it” on their own?
Does refusing help protect independence, or does it simply shift risk from one generation to the next?
Three faces of inheritance tension
Sarah
A capable woman in her early thirties, she turned down her parents’ offer to help with a home deposit. Three years later, she still rents a small flat, watching prices climb out of reach. She doesn’t regret her independence, but she lies awake some nights wondering if she made a mistake.
Peter
He accepted an early inheritance to start a business. It failed within two years. He still carries the private shame of “wasting” his parents’ money, even though they have never expressed disappointment.
Mike
He watches his retired parents cruise the world on luxury liners while he struggles to meet his bond repayment. He wants them to enjoy their lives, but the contrast between their abundance and his anxiety troubles him.
The power of honest conversations
Part of the answer lies in honesty from both sides.
Parents need to articulate their intentions, fears and hopes. Some worry about creating entitlement; others worry about whether their children will respect what they’ve built.
Adult children may want to prove themselves, yet they know privately that the playing field is not level.
Conversation becomes its own form of wealth: less about “how much,” and more about why, what matters, and what values the money should reflect.
Without these conversations, money becomes a silent force that shapes decisions, stirs resentment and breeds guilt.
Inheritance as a human process
Inheritance, whether planned or early, is as much about emotion as finance.
Parents who can afford to give may see it as a way to offer security in an uncertain world or as a chance to share joy while they are still alive.
Children may accept it as a practical lifeline while feeling conflicted about what it means for their independence.
The goal is not to resolve the contradictions, because they are part of being human, but to acknowledge them so they don’t undermine the gift.
Finding the balance
Filby’s work forces us to face the reality that the economic rules may have changed. If we ignore this, we risk leaving our children to fight battles they cannot win without help. But if we give without thought, we risk robbing them of the growth that comes from struggle.
The balance lies somewhere in the middle. Ensuring our own security first, then offering support that empowers rather than entitles.
Final thoughts
Inheritance should be a tool for freedom, not a source of quiet despair. That means planning for it, talking about it, and using it to serve not just the life you have built, but the lives still to come.
If you would like guidance in navigating these conversations or shaping a thoughtful financial and estate plan for your family, we would be honoured to help.
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